#and by all month i mean these past 3 days
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I have accepted that I am a failure
Despite all my efforts no matter what I do. I will always come up short. It’s been almost 3 months and I have not got a lawyer for my sexual assault case, and I have a month left to not only raise the money but find an employment lawyer that will take my case. I want to give up because it seems impossible to take this to trial.
I have been struggling financially. I’ve tried to stop begging to make up for the big ask of my employment lawyer. I have been suffering silently hoping that I can at least get a lawyer for my case, even if it meant I don’t eat a few times a week. I am all alone with no community. No friends. I have no means of living really. Without exaggeration I am contemplating suicide. The idea of my past employers and my abuser going scott free breaks me. This is just an abridge version of my 3 month break.
CA: $Lmogen
My small ask for the day is to simply get out of overdraft. I am currently overdrafted -$26
I have a small goal of $200
CA: $Lmogen
If anyone can contribute to help me pay small bills and get immediate necessities that I have neglected over a very long period of time. I would be so grateful.
Goal: $200
#kamala harris#donald trump#us politics#us elections#election day#dragon age#monster prom#mlp#sebastian stan#mental health#fishblr#fitblr#fitness#fitspo#flowers#fnaf#folklore#food#ford#forest
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SURPRISE! - TERRY RICHMOND x BLACK FEM (AFAB) READER
WARNINGS: 18+ ; angst; fluff; SMUT; minors do not interact!
PAIRING: Terry x Gwen (reader)
SUMMARY: You and Terry have been broken up for 3 months. You’re injured in an accident and the hospital calls Terry to notify him and… surprise
TROPES: second chance;
WORD COUNT: 4,074
“Ms. Daniels, please wake up”, a gentle voice eases me back into consciousness. My head feels like it’s being split open with a claw hammer. I blink slowly so that my eyes can adjust.
When my eyes finally focus I look up to see a pretty lady in scrubs looking down kindly at me.
“Welcome back Ms. Daniels. You had us scared there for a moment,” she says.
“What hospital am I in? What happened?” I say sitting up and holding my head.
“You’re at Benson Memorial. You were in a bicycle accident. You’re fine just a few bumps and bruises. Your head CT was clear, so nothing to worry about there, ” she says handing me a cup of water.
I take slow small sips as I try to recall the past few hours. I never even saw that car coming as I crossed the road from one trail to the next. I hear muffled shouting coming from outside my room, and the doctor shoots a nervous glance my way.
“Ms. Daniels, your boyfriend is outside and I don’t know how much longer he can wait”
I nearly choke on my water, “Boyfriend?”
I hear a commotion outside my door before the doctor/ nurse can open her mouth.
“Nah, I’ve been here for two fucking hours and no one has told me how she’s doing yet! I’m going to see my girlfriend if you want to throw me out after then throw me out!”
I’ll never forget that voice. Terry is here. Now. He bursts into my room looking as good as ever but incredibly worried. When his eyes land on mine his shoulders sag with relief and he rushes to my side.
“What happened?! How bad are you hurt? Were you wearing your helmet?” He asks, his mouth running a mile a minute. I must be dreaming there’s no way Terry’s here we broke up 3 months ago after he came back from Shelby Springs.
He came back different after trying to bail his cousin Mike out of jail. I tried to be there for him and provide all the support he needed but he just pushed me away. When I found out that he had been helping a girl named Summer, he completely shut down and wouldn’t say anything. I didn’t want to give him an ultimatum so I told him that when he figured everything out to come and find me. Two weeks later I got a letter that absolutely broke me.
“Why did they call you?” I asked looking at my doctor.
“He’s listed as the primary on your emergency contact list we have on file here”, she said motioning someone else in scrubs to come in. Another woman comes in holding an ultrasound machine and my heart stops.
“Is my baby ok?!” I ask immediately grasping at my stomach.
“That’s why I needed to wake you. Ms. Daniels, we need your consent to do a transvaginal ultrasound so we can evaluate the status of your baby”, the doctor says remaining calm.
I nod, “Of course, please do what you need to do”.
There’s a deep sigh to my right. I almost forgot that Terry was next to me. When I glance over at him he looks shocked and heartbroken.
“I’m sorry I know I should’ve told you but you sent that letter the day I took the test and I didn’t know what to do”, I said right before the waterworks started, courtesy of your pregnancy hormones. Terry just looked at me his eyes softening but his trademark frown was still there.
“Can you give us a minute please?” Terry asks the doctor.
She nods, “We’ll be right outside tap the door twice. We need to get this ultrasound done so the faster the better you two.” Then she’s out the door.
“So the baby’s mine?” Terry asks.
I nod my head, a fresh wave of tears coming.
“I never meant to keep from you this long but you weren’t returning my calls and I couldn’t reach you. You didn’t leave a return address on the letters you sent, which ripped me apart by the way, and you just fell off the face of the earth Terry! I mean come the fuck on! I’m in love with you and finding out I’m having your baby just for you to dump us over a fucking letter!”, I’m out of breath, my chest heaving with anger.
He opens his mouth to speak but I cut him off, “We don’t have the time to get into this now. We’ll talk later now please let the doctor in, I need this baby to be ok”, I say my eyes burning with unshed tears. Jesus everything makes me so emotional now, well let’s be real it wasn’t that different before I got pregnant. Terry looks at me, his eyes softening to that doe-eyed steel gray.
“Sure thing princess,” he says with a small smirk. Terry gets up and I bite my lip at the way his ass looks in his khakis. Has he gotten finer since I last saw him? He taps the door twice and almost immediately the nurse is back in the door, the doctor following in shortly after. They set up all the equipment, I put my feet in the stirrups, and the doctor began her exam.
“Aaaaand that is your baby’s heartbeat!”, the doctor says as she points to the disfigured blob that’s my baby.
“Terry look!” I say as I point my finger toward the screen.
I turn my head to the right and I see a small smile on Terry’s face.
“That’s our baby?” he says all choked up. Two small tears fall out of each eye as he looks down at me.
“I’m sorry. I should’ve told you.” I say reaching for Terry’s hand.
He grabs it and says, “We’ll talk when we get home.”
Home? Like my home or he’s just taking me to my house and that’s my home.
“How did the hospital even get in touch with you?”, I ask as Terry drives us home.
“I just got a new phone, same number,” he says eyes focused on the road.
“Oh, ok,” I say folding my arms across my chest.
“I already know what you’re thinking. I was going to call you, but a lot of what I have to say shouldn’t be said over the phone. I want a chance to explain myself. I never should’ve ended things the way I did. You deserve so much better than what I gave you and I can’t be any more clear when I say I’m so sorry. I fucked up.”
“Ok when we get home I want to know everything”, I say gently. Terry looks my way and nods twice before looking back at the road.
“Yeah, can I get two double cheeseburgers all the way with cajun fries please?” Terry says to the ‘five guys’ employee.
“Aww, you remember my order?” I say my face softening.
“It’s been three months. Not three years. I didn’t forget baby” Terry huffed looking at me with that sexy-ass side-eye.
“Don’t look at me like that. I’m supposed to be mad at you,” I say rolling my eyes. There’s no way this man has me in the palm of his hand in an hour and a half. I need to stand the fuck up. Terry grabs our food when they call our number and escorts us out of the restaurant.
He chuckles as we get back in the car and says, “Oh it’ll come back to you I’m sure.” I roll my eyes, looking at the scenery passing by.
“You said ‘I can’t do this anymore Gwen. It’s not you it’s me.’ Terry, you have no fucking idea how much that hurt. How insignificant it made me feel. Like I wasn’t even good enough to break up in person so you use a fucking letter?” These pregnancy hormones are no joke I was thinking about mounting this man and now I’m going off on him.
“Babygirl I’m so sorry. Please, when we get home I’ll finally be able to explain myself. Please don’t cry, baby I never meant to hurt you the way that I did. I’ll never forgive myself for that.”
“I made my peace with this a long time ago Terry. Some people just aren’t meant to be together,” my voice breaks as I try to keep my emotions at bay.
“I wanted us to work so bad I would’ve done anything to keep you, but I won’t do that anymore. I’m worth more than that. Our baby is worth more than that. I won’t have them question my love for them I’m going to show up for them every day because that’s what a mother does,” I take a few deep breaths to try and compose myself, but I can feel the dam start to break. I look over at Terry and he has a deep frown on his face. He’s white-knuckling the steering wheel and I can tell by his posture that he’s trying to keep his cool.
I unlock my front door to let Terry and myself in. He follows silently behind me. I can feel the tension radiating off him in waves. Despite how he feels right now he still pulls out everything I need to eat and sets my place at the table. I wait for him to join me before I start eating. We eat in a tense, awkward silence before he breaks the spell of uncertainty around us.
“Mike’s dead.” I didn’t have to look up to see the pain on Terry’s face. The burning behind my eyes is instant.
“What do you mean dead? You were going to bail him out?!” I reached for my necklace. It’s a locket, Terry gave me after our first anniversary. A small heart-shaped photo of us sits inches from my heart every day. Terry took a deep breath before he went into detail. About Shelby Springs and its corrupt law system. How he almost died on multiple occasions. Who Summer was and how he couldn’t leave her fate in their corrupt hands.
“I couldn’t leave until I knew I wouldn’t have to look over my shoulder for the rest of my life. I couldn’t involve you and potentially put you at risk. I’d never forgive myself if you were hurt, especially knowing what I know now,” the guilt evident in Terry’s voice as he buried his head in his hands.
I feel the warmth of the tears as they glide down my face. My hand comes up to cover my mouth to stifle a sob. I rush to Terry’s side, wrapping my arms around him.
“I’m so sorry Terry! You shouldn’t have had to deal with this all on your own. What can I do?”
This whole situation is miscommunication at its finest. I grab Terry’s hand and lead him back to the room we used to share.
“I didn’t bring you back here to have sex. Take your shoes and shirt off and get on the bed.” I say kicking my shoes off. I crawl to the head of the bed and make myself comfortable before making grabby hands at Terry. He crawled his way up the bed before laying his head on my stomach. I started giving him a scalp massage as he loaded everything he’d gone through while we were apart. When he finished we were both a mess. Terry lifts his head and my heart breaks at his expression.
“I never wanted any of this. All I tried to do was save my cousin and instead, I lost him. I lost you, our baby. I’m alone now.”
I’m shaking my head before he can finish his sentence, “You didn’t lose Mike. In the physical sense yes but, he’s always with you Terry. I know it’s easier said than done, but you can put this behind you and move on. I’m here and I’m not going anywhere. We’ll get through this.”
“Together?” he looks like a scared sad little boy and it breaks my heart. I reach my hand down and caress his face.
“Together Terry, all three of us,” you say as a fresh wave of tears begins. You were going to dehydrate at this rate with all the crying.
“Come on, we’ve had a busy day and I think a shower would do us some good,” you say sitting up. Terry sits up and scoots to the foot of the bed. I look at him and really notice how tired he looks. Like the weight of the world is sitting on his shoulders.
I make my way towards him and kiss his cheek, “Come on, your clothes are right where you left them. I’ll be in the bathroom when you’re ready.”
I grab one of Terry’s old ‘Marine’ t-shirts and boy shorts and head into the bathroom. I can’t believe this shit, no way this is real life. Poor Mike, poor Terry, and even poor Summer.
I’m in the shower washing the dirt and leaves out of my hair when I hear the bathroom door open. I keep quiet continuing to wash my hair waiting for Terry to join me. I feel the cool air as he opens the shower door and steps inside. His arms wrap around my waist from behind and he rests his head on my shoulder.
“I’m so sorry Gwen. You’re not unlovable. Loving you is the easiest thing in the world. I couldn’t come back unless I knew you were safe. I’ll be making this right for the rest of my life to you and our little bean,” Terry says as his hand migrates to my stomach.
I turn in his arms wrapping my hands around his neck, “I’m not going to pretend that I’m ok with how you did everything but, I understand. I forgive you, Terry. I did as soon as you burst through the hospital door,” I finish with a chuckle.
Terry grips my face in his hands, “I’m going to spend the rest of my life proving to you and the baby how sorry I am. I wasn’t there when you found out and you have no idea how bad I wish I were. Every doctor’s appointment I’m there, you’ll never feel how you felt when you got that letter, Gwen. That’s a promise.” Terry’s eyes have that fierce determination in them. You know when he gets that way there’s no stopping him.
“Stop crying baby, I hate seeing you so upset,” Terry’s using his thumbs to wipe my tears.
I shake my head, a watery laugh leaving my lips, “It’s hormones more than anything.” My eyes widen as Terry drops to his knees in the shower. His hands wrap around my hips. He presses his forehead to my belly and kisses the barely-there baby bump.
“Hey there little one. I’m your dad. I’m sorry I wasn’t there to find out about you. I’m here now. Daddy’s not going anywhere.”
I could barely see Terry over the tears in my eyes. A watery smile forms on my lips when Terry lifts his head to look at me.
“What is it, baby?” he asks.
“Kiss me,” I say pulling him up to meet me.
Terry towers over me pressing my back against the shower wall—nothing but steam and unspoken confessions hanging in the air.
“Are you sure, princess? I don’t want to do anything you’re not ready for”, Terry’s face takes on that deep frown that’s so attractive to me.
“I’m sure Terry. You’re still in the doghouse but, that doesn’t change how I feel about you. I love you and I want us to be a family, so yes please kiss me.”
When Terry kisses me it’s like the world stops. An involuntary moan leaves my lips. It’s like we have all the time in the world. He kisses me slowly, deeply, all-consuming.
“I forgot how good your lips feel, princess.” Terry’s eyes darken in color and I can almost read his mind.
“I’m going to kiss you again ok?”, a small smirk makes its way onto his face as he crowds my space.
“You’re not leaving any room for Jesus are you?” I ask chuckling.
“There’s been too much space between us the past three months. Prepare to be sick of me, baby girl.” Terry’s voice drops an octave and I can feel my ovaries crying. His hand glides down my front pausing over my barely-there baby bump.
“We’re going to be great parents,” I reach my hand for Terry’s face caressing his cheek.
He smiles that megawatt smile of his and nods, “Without a doubt.” And then he kisses me again. We’re a mess of lips, tongues, and teeth. My pregnancy hormones have me grinding against Terry’s leg like a dog in heat.
“You missed Daddy huh?”, he asks placing his thigh in between my legs. He grabs my hips and slides me up and down the length of his thigh. The friction on my neglected clit is out of this world as I release a needy moan.
“I can’t hear you. Do I need to stop?” Terry grips my hips forcing me to stop.
“No, no, no I miss you, Daddy! I do. Please don’t stop. I need this,” I grip his shoulders, leaving little crescent indents.
“Look at me, sweet girl. Tell Daddy what you want,” Terry says gripping my chin and lifting it to meet his eyes.
I can barely put two words together and he wants me to tell him what I want.
“I love it when your eyes get all dopey like this, you want Daddy inside you?” Terry’s lapping at my neck, sucking hard enough to leave marks. I’ll have a time with my concealer in the morning but that’s not my concern at the moment. I reach for his wrist, bringing his hand down to my pussy, right where I want him.
“Please Daddy I need you. I need this please,” my voice taking on a whiny pitch. Next thing I know the water’s being shut off and Terry’s opening the shower door.
“There are things I want to do to you that can’t be done in the shower. Come on,” Terry says while wrapping me up in a towel before leading me out of the bathroom.
“Ugh! Daddy don’t stop please!” My legs won’t stop shaking as Terry sucks the soul out of me. I lost count of how many times I’ve come already. I look down at Terry while he’s devouring my pussy. The sounds in this room are purely pornographic.
He looks up at me through hooded eyes and moans the sound vibrating against my clit.
“Ouuu Daddy yes!! Right there! Don’t stop!”, I’m a panting mess. I look down at Terry again and all I see are the whites of his eyes.
“I forgot how good you taste baby. I can’t get enough mm!” You’d think Terry never ate a day in his life the way he’s eating me out.
“Terry I… I need you!” I squeal pushing his head away.
He releases my clit with a small pop before sitting up on his knees. His eyes narrowed, “Now I’ll let you have that one ‘cause it’s been so long. Don’t do that shit again. I’ll finish eating when I finish. Understand?” Terry has my face in a vice-grip, my lips puckered.
“Yes Daddy,” I say, willing to do whatever he asks as long as he gives me that dick. I’d probably go rob a bank if he asked.
“On your side, princess,” Terry says as he places a few pillows behind me.
I turn on my side and Terry’s right behind me kissing any skin he can get his hands on.
“Fuck, I missed this. I missed your smell, your taste, your smile, your laugh, and even when you roll your eyes. Even though you know that’s five lashes automatically,” Terry says peppering my whole body in kisses.
“I missed you too Daddy. Now are you going to show me how much, or do I have to get started without you?” I tease him by running my hands down my body. Terry playfully smacks my hands away before lifting my leg and sliding into me.
We moan simultaneously as Terry starts to move, “Oh god! I forgot how big you are!” I moan as Terry bottoms out.
My head falls back onto Terry’s shoulder, “I’m not going to last!” I squeal the burning already starting in my lower belly. It feels so good from this angle, Terry keeps hitting my g-spot with every thrust.
“Come whenever you want baby. Daddy’s got you,” Terry breathes into my ear. The neighbors can probably hear squelching and moaning coming from my room but I really don’t give a fuck. If their man was digging their shit out like Terry was doing to me, they’d be screaming too.
“No! Come with me please! I need it baby!” I moan trying to plant a kiss somewhere on Terry. He sees me struggling and bends his head to kiss me. He grabs my neck with one of is free hands, not hard enough to do harm but, just enough to give me that much more pleasure.
“Open,” he says stilling inside me. I lean my head back a little farther, opening my mouth. Terry smiles deviously like the freaky devil he is and I watched dazed as a small glob of spit makes its way from his mouth to mine.
“Now swallow,” I do as he asks and open my mouth to show him it’s all gone.
“Jesus, woman you’re going to kill me! Fucking love how nasty you get for me. Daddy’s little slut,” Terry groans. He slides out of me and I flop onto my back.
“Come to mama,” I say grabbing his face and pulling him in for another sloppy kiss. I reach for his dick, wrapping my hands around it, and I feel him shudder. Terry moans as I give him a few slow strokes.
“Get back inside me please. I need to come,” I wine.
“Again? Who made you so needy?” Terry asks smirking down at me.
“You going to keep talking shit or remind me of how I got pregnant in the first place?” I ask.
Terry grabs my throat almost instantly, “Who you think you’re talking to?”
He brings one of my legs up to his shoulder and I roll my eyes. Terry’s face darkens, as he bottoms out inside me for the second time.
“I told you I was going to let that shit slide. Now you pushing it,” he said as he begins to thrust. I’m grasping at air, that’s how good his dick is.
“Aww look at you, getting fucked stupid. How’s it feel princess?” Terry taunts grabbing one of my hands interlocking our fingers. If I could talk I probably say something smart, but Terry’s right he’s fucking me stupid. I can’t put a single sentence together.
“Huh what was that? Daddy can’t hear you.” A particularly hard thrust has me screaming, my orgasm hitting me out of nowhere. I feel myself soak the sheet and Terry, but I can barely keep my eyes open. My nails drag down his back, marking him up.
“Fuck baby I’m cumming, kiss me,” Terry moans.
I grab the back of his neck, bringing his face to mine, but before our lips meet I whisper a quiet ‘I love you’. Our lips meet and we both moan as Terry fills me up. He stays inside me as I remove my leg from his shoulder. Both of us panting and staring at each other with awestruck goofy smiles. We have some work to do, but I can’t wait to see what this next chapter has in store for us.
THE END.
Annnnd that’s a wrap!! As always constructive criticism is appreciated but please be nice ‘cause I’m sensitive. I feel like I'm so bad at writing sex scenes, but I'm trying to get better. I really had fun writing this one. I anyone has any request DM me or ask anonymously. Until next time my little freaks <3
TAGLIST:
@blackgurlnhermoods
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@kianaleani
@pinkkycherrish
@shallipii
@greatpandagladiator
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Divider from: @puppizai
#rebel ridge fanfiction#terry richmond#terry richmond fanfiction#terry richmond smut#terry richmond x reader#terry richmond x black reader
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where shall we go? - mellowcle
gift to twottie, from frog 🐸
shhhh shhhh, quietttt. this'll be twottie's first time seeing their birthday present :D
#art#animation#artists on tumblr#vocaloid#mellowcle#where shall we go#twog#frog art#happy birthday twottie#y'all it was such a pain trying to get this done all month#and by all month i mean these past 3 days#they dont call me a silly billy for nothing - 🐸#also sorry i couldn't add subtitles#im too weak i already put this off until the day of ToT
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JIN HUGS JIN HUGS! for @jinstronaut ♡
cr. namuspromised, dwellingsouls, 0613data
#btsgif#dailybts#btsedit#seokjin#bts#bangtan#usersky#usersan#userkelli#usermaggie#raplineuser#usersevn#tuserandi#userpat#userines#*sj#*bangtan#*comp#*gifs#em I have no idea in which timezone you are so I'm just gonna let this post at midnight my time asdgh#HAPPY BIRTHDAY BABY!!!!!!! I hope you'll have theeee bestest of days today my love you deserve it like no one else#I mean you've literally gifted us 500+ jin sets over the past 18 months -#this seems like the smallest thank you in return#you asked if someone could send you jinnie hugs so here I am!!!#if I could I'd fly to korea grab that man under his gigantic shoulders and bring him directly to your doorstep for the biggest bday hug#but for now this little set will have to do!#it gave me so much happiness just look at all the smiles with those big hugs :( and ofc I had to start and end it with jinkook <33#I love you lots emmeline thank you for being an amazing person all the time#you deserve so much appreciation and love and I hope you get showered with just that#not only today but all the time <3
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character wrapped 2023 💥
tagged by @davidtennantpussytulpa ^-^ i didn't know how many to do so i copied tara and did top 10. i know the severance guys are Four Of Them but i can't separate them theyre all equally important to me
will graham (hannibal), em haywood (nope), aziraphale (good omens), mark & dylan & helly & irving (severance), hawkeye pierce (mash), martha jones (doctor who), ivan karamazov (the brothers karamazov), kim kitsuragi (disco elysium), stewy hosseini (succession), ruescott melshi (andor/rogue one)
i will tag... @fagician @britomart @libraryfag @roadwhores @majorbaby @globuspolski @hadleyfraserfaggot @tenderscience if u want to ^-^
#and now i will explain them all in detail#cos i started watching hannibal back in like. january or february and will immediately set up camp in my head and started to settle there#*I* pay rent to *HIM*. he lives there permanently. sweating and monologuing constantly#em was not only the character of 2022 but also of 2023 and of 2024 and the rest of the decade and all decades to come#she had such an impact on me keke palmer's performance will live with me forever and i love nope so fucking much#i almost didnt include her because nope was more of a last year obsession. but she lives on#aziraphale.........no comment#severance.......i love them all so much and at first i wanted just irving and then just helly and then i realise i cried over mark this week#and then i realised i couldnt possibly leave out dylan when hes probably my favourite character. so then i settled for all of them#hawkeye is my fucking wife. enough said#martha... well i knew i had to have a doctor who character. i thought maybe the doctor but then i thought their companions mean more to me#sometimes at least. i did have a fourteen icon for a while but then i was like but Donna..... and then i thought. well#these past few months at least martha jones has been eating away at my heart. i go batshit insane when i think about her#her impact. her grace. her power. so she had to go on the list.it was a toss up between her and donna for sure though#then i figured i had to include a karamazov since reading that book took up half of my year. and ivan was my favourite of the 3. so <3#kim goes without saying. literally nothing to be said hes the character Of All Time. to me#stewy also goes without saying ive had so many Stewy Save Me moments since the beginning of season 4 all the way to the end of the year#i miss him every day. he is the moment. i wish there was more of him all the time#and the last one is a bit of a wildcard cos all my insanity abt melshi has been on my andor sideblog.#but rest assured ive been thoroughly Not Normal about him. he literally side appears in 4 episodes and has 11 total minutes onscreen#but i love him. so much. and hes occupied most of my thoughts since september. once again his impact his power his grace. his homosexuality#enough said. that's all. thanks for reading. this was a great year for autism and madness#tag game#🍪
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hi i have been inactive for a while due to the chk chk boom. hope you understand.
#HI HELLO BESTIES I WISH I COULD UPDATE YOU GUYS BUT I HAVE BEEN SUPER BUSY AND CONSUMED BY THE HORRORS™#basically im moving out the country in like four days so packing has been a whole ordeal#not to mention i'm procrastinating feeling my feelings#my three month gre prep plan turned into a one week prep reality T-T my unofficial score is 321 out of 340 which is... idrk#i was in the middle of a lot of things and given the level of time and energy i was able to commit amidst the chaos... it's not too bad.#OH ALSO i got done with the round one registration for my courses today and it was a MESS#(technically only the in-dept courses were due today. the ones from the other depts were due 17th. either way. the website was being cruel)#oh and as for out-dept courses it's a different procedure but I managed to get Intro to ML! absolutely insane given my meager coding skills#as well as my shaky understanding of engineering calculus. in other words welcome back my arch nemesis slash lover miss mathematics#oh and! all my friends are also moving away which basically means the past week has been meeting my besties and trying not to cry#i've been reading a bit as well! i read assistant to the villain and it was simply the cutest book ever i need the sequel SO BAD#OH AND GOSE IS BACK so that's been fun#so yeah that's what's up#i really wished i had more time to update on here I had a really cool idea for this week but i've been too exhausted sighhh#hope you guys have been doing well also please feel free to text or tag me on posts i might not be able to reply but i love reading updates#sending lots of hugs and chocolates to all my beloveds <3#oh oh also please go check out skz's comeback it's so good!#okay it's like 12:26am now ima go sleep now gnight byeeee#megumi in the tags#megumi.fm
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oh fellas it's essay writing time you know what that means
#it means its time to do anything but write the essays and spam the tumblr feeds of the poor souls who decided to click the follow button for#some bizarre reason#i have. about 4 essays due and like. 5 research articles to read and 1 book? and 1 creative project#luckily only 3 essays and 3 research articles are due imminently and all the essays are under 1000 words and the articles are all under 20#pages. so. it could be worse? but it could be better? the last month of uni is fucking awful! and oh my fucking god i might be#graduating next year? thats terrifying. and its? covid lockdown anniversary and THATS weird because that one day changed the entire#trajectory of my life and everything that ive done the past 3 years has been a result of that day and thats really trippy#i ALMOST had a second breakdown in front of my prof but i didnt! so. we are. definitely mentally healthy /hj
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there is really something cruel and strange and fucked up about switching between thinking youre the center of the universe and thinking youre completely invisible 50 fuckin times a day. like do you have a god complex or an inferiority complex make up your mind
#the mental illness strikes again#yeah its that and like this crippling lonliness that has had me in a chokehold#pov you open the same 3 apps over and over again on repeat all day trying to see if anyone has messaged you or interacted with you at all#then you realize oh wait yeah. they all have lives and you dont. yeah that explains it#then you self loathe and pity for a bit and repeat the cycle#mad pathetic#and on top of that youre too fuckin sensitive so you take it all personal#even stupid jokes. yeah that stupid joke it hurt my feelings and for no reason at all#im not even really sad right now its just. so painfully frustrating that this has to be the normal for me#no matter how many times i seek help for it i get blown off#not to mention im *still* fucked up over not being able to go to the one person i relied on to help me when i was mentally unwell#though ive tried#but bringing up being mentally unwell gets me a sad face emoticon at best#and bringing up being physically unwell and that ive had to go to multiple doctors over the past few months is just. completely ignored#oh well#i am completely over that person but that doesnt mean getting ignored doesnt fucking hurt#anyways
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randomly looked at this account to update my age and holy shit it's been a while since i posted here..........i have a small pile of art i have yet to post but hbhbshdbshbd too lazy
#part of it is that i haven't posted any of my recent art but in addition#i haven't made new art in a WHILE (abt 3 months) which is highly unusual for me but the reason for that is#3 months ago i suddenly remembered that i tried learning mandarin for three (3) days before forgetting about it for 9 months#(amusingly the reason why is not because of danmei......i did not even know danmei existed when i first decided to learn it)#anyways i have been insanely fixated on learning it for the past 3 months#however since art is primarily a way for me to process my interests and that only really be done when i'm fixated on media........well#let's just say i have not been making art at all#that might change soon tho#rn i'm reading 撒野 (saye) in chinese bc it's at a level i can read and i fucking love it so far#idk why i picked a book longer than svsss (which took me a week to read in english)...u would think there's no chance of me finishing it#or even reading it#especially when the only novel i've read before this is a chinese translation of the fucking magic finger by roald dahl LMFAO#but it's been a week and i'm a fifth of the way into it which i was not expecting at all#it was initially an exercise of “i will get as far as i can and try my best to read a chapter a day” but i've been zipping through chapters#last night i was up until 3 AM reading it and i was so tempted to read more but had to stop myself#of course this is all aided by pleco which lets me quickly look up words that i don't know yet. pleco ily#that being said...this all does mean i know words like 收銀台 before i even know the word for “orange” (the color) which is pretty funny#but idk considering that the sum of my time spent learning chinese is just 3 months..........i think i am doing pretty damn good#i thought it would be a LOT longer before i could finally start enjoying some interesting things#god but it really has been a while since i last read a high school romance...but i am quite fond of the leads and their respective baggage#sorry for the whole tag ramble.........i haven't really had anyone to talk abt this stuff with#oh also it's my birthday#that is why i am even here to update my age in the first place#happy lan wangji birthday#actually the only reason i realized it was gonna be my birthday soon is because i saw chinese artists posting lan wangji birthday fanart#and then remembered that we share the same birthday#also re: the art i haven't posted yet.........a good chunk of it is misvil fanart...song qingshi my beloved#and there's also a luo binghe drawn on an art app i PROGRAMMED MYSELF (!!!!!!!!!) in there#actually that piece is the main reason i haven't posted the art i HAVE made. how the fuck do i explain that i drew it on an app that i made#sorry this is genuinely the most off the rails tag ramble i've ever done. okay i'm done
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curled up by the fire, tail waggin
#long day puppies in my phone long day#so so tired i dont have class tmr cos lecture not there so i get to sleep in yay but i wake up early anyways woah just dont Have to be up#going to try meet a friend because i feel like i havent seen anyon outside of college in months even tho its been 2 weeks#this old friend if mine kinda lowkey ditched me when he got a bucnh of new friends like 2 yesrs ago and hes been reaching out a lot to try#hangout and like hm im hurt abiut how he dropped me and he like genrally wasnt a great friend anyways:/ but i feel bad being kike i cant#hang but i also amnt even lyin genuinely cant hang i havent seen my best friend in so long i only see college and my home and therapist once#but also like ugh i dont like this guy i need him to not be beggin me to hang he could be reslly mean like too often but he was nice ..ugh#i wish there was a chill bot harsh way to cut domeone out like i dont hate u i just dont love u soz#and i love my friends so so deeply like i only have time for my besties who i would est whole if i could pike the way people talk about#their blorbo from my shows is how i feel talking about my friends like i want to squish them and poke em n kiss em their my little loves#so if i dont even like someone idk like i dont have time for people j dont love or who dont give a shit about me#hashtag being autistic and my 3 close friends are all also auttistic genuinly the 3 of them got diagnosed in the past 4 yesrs..dominos#i miss my friends wailing college too busy i miss my babies#n i feel really bad for not wanting to hang with this guy who litersllybdidnt care if i lived or died like a year ago#but now is all about me strangely#anyways hm will possible rant more ive had such a long day and nowmim currles on pillows in a bjg hoodie and its so good
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There's this nearly 4 hour movie I've been meaning to watch for a while and I was like "ah maybe ill watch it tonight hehe 🥰" and then I remember...quali is at 9 🫠
#i actually despise abu dhabi being the seaosn closer ngl#basically since Japan the race time has suited my timezone pretty well#1 am. 1 pm. 3 pm. 4 pm. 12 pm. 1 am.#<- like look at that. look at they absolutely delicious schedule#every race for the past 2 months has been at an ideal time and ive really settled into it#wow you mean i can sleep in on weekends and actually wnjoy the schedule!? oh boy!#and then they put fucking ad at the end which is at 8 am. who wants to wake up that early on a sunday#it would be fine if it was earlier in the season bcs during the middle i got pretty used to waking up before 9 bcs all the European races#but to have this one at thw end is literally horrible#its really down to timezones but fuck it really does bother me#bcs wow youve made me have zero desire to watch the season closer! thanks!!#id sooooo much rather brazil be the season closer still#like whh do you have to completely switch timezones right at the very end. its terrible#i think ill do waht i did last season and take a bit of a nap beforehand#it makes it much worse that this on a holiday wknd too. yeah bcs i rly wanna spend the last two days of my break waking up in the morning#sry im being ultra salty rn but i really dont wanna wake up for it but i hate missing race events UGHHHHHH#last yr i literally fell asleep during the first lap of AD 😭#yeah im concerned abt if nando will retain p4 or not but...waking up before 8 am...??#yeah idk i just rly dislike this scheduling#i actually kinda like AD as a track but its position in the season makes me resent it#catie.rambling.txt
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📝 💐 🛼 💔⏪️💭🧊🌄❤️🩹
I Will Survive by Gloria Gaynor
previous ⏪︎ now playing ⏩ next back to playlist
#stranger things#bizarre love triangle playlist#el hopper#el's pov#i was so happy when i re-listened to this alongside the lyrics when looking for songs from el's pov#'at first i was afraid. i was petrified. kept thinking i could never live without you by my side'#all season long we saw el experiencing heartache over mike and how it led to her feeling insecure as if it was all her fault#she was convinced that if mike didn't love her then she couldn't be happy#'but then i spent so many nights thinking how you did me wrong and i grew strong and i learned how to get along'#el spending time away from mike at nina along with all the months of doubt prior to their fallout now having validation...#it wasn't just her loving and falling out of love with mike over the course 3 days#it was her realization that their relationship has been deteriorating for a while now and coming to terms with that in 3 days#'and so you're back from outer-space. i just walked in to find you here with that sad look upon your face'#this is the main line that reminds me of her brushing past mike and will in the cabin#probably a little more harsh as this song is pretty harsh in terms of the singer not being capable of seeing her ex as even a friend now#but el's earned some harshness after what just went down#that doesn't mean they'll never overcome this#it just means there is still a serious need to confront it which wont be super pretty#and then the forgiveness and acceptance can only come after that#'and you see me. somebody new. i'm not the chained up little person still in love with you'#oooooo get him!#'you think i'd crumble? you think i'd lay down and die?'#sort of reminds me of the assumptions not just mike has but also most of the audience#they think it would be impossible for mike to end things with el bc she would be so broken hearted and she doesn't deserve that#which of course she doesn't#but maybe el knows what she deserves... and it's more than what mike is able to give#'i've got all my life to live and i've got all my love to give and i'll survive. i will survive.'#she's not going to go on forever being hung up on something that wasn't what she deserved in the first place#she will survive ya'll#4x09
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every time i talk w my parents i have to remind myself not to get swayed by their doting affectionate act.
#i mean see#becoming older has made me recognize and appreciate them for a lot of what they did#but to say that i am doing anything except lip service to them rn would be an exaggeration#our relationship has improved but i have made it clear that i never intend to live with them ever again#that the honeymoon period will last 2 days max#they'll cry their crocodile tears#and the emotional abuse will restart like it never stopped#that the physical abuse would have continued if i didn't threaten them by throwing chairs and a knife#like....these past few months have given me such fucking WHIPLASH#it almost makes me forget just how dysfunctional our dynamic has been#how i got away relatively well adjusted because i psychologied myself through clinical and counselling psych classes#how they refuse to take the blame absolutely for my brother's issues surfacing now in his adulthood#ever so often something so viscerally twisted will happen on a call or on the group chat which makes me want to hurt myself#and that serves as a wake up call abt how bad shit used to be#and how glad i am to be away from it all#but every few weeks i will be lulled back into thinking that maybe things weren't so bad#i'm also swayed so much by the people around me rn who hesitate so much to talk about anything that isn't small talk#either that or they're people who really love their parents and enjoy spending time with them#and i'm like....respectfully i cannot relate and neither can the bamboo rod that once broke in two bcs of how hard my parents wielded it <3#and ofc when families come up in conversation everyone acts like it's a normal thing for there to be ups and downs#w so much unsaid and implied about how i'm actually an ungrateful POS who can't appreciate their parents sacrificing so much for me#hehe. no thanks. keep ur judgement to urself
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WOHOOOOO 300 FOLLOWERS GUYS!!!!!!! THANKS FOR DROPPING BY THIS PILE OF PAPERS LMAO
#✨scribbled paper'd#💥 holy crap milestones#yall are insane what /pos#yeah i was thinking of making something big buuuttt ehhhh#yeah sorry <:×#but still!! thank you all for following!! it means a lot actually lmao /pos /gen#insane how i got here like. what 7 months ago and BOOM here i am with 300#past me couldn't even keep up LOL#anyways again!! thank you!! have a great day/night! :D#🪷 personal milestones <3 🪷#🎉 celebration!! 🎉
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dont worry gang i have secured my preorder of the ben funko
#sorry for not being here the past few months have been uhh#in short. i failed uni and dropped out and got a full time job that has me waking up at 4am every day and causes me great physical turmoil#and even with a full time job i am barely scraping by and i have no time for hobbies or anything ive been so stressed#i still havent watched most of yj s2 i think i saw ep 4? maybe? or it mightve only been 3#and im still tryna avoid spoilers even tho is been so long#i have maybe 2 hours a day of free time where i can do anything i want and online stuff just isnt a priority in that time im afraid#i do love and miss you all and i know ive been kinda skirting a lot of responsibilities but its just. its been rough#and this part of the year is only gonna get way harder so#im doing my best to stay afloat right now and unfortunately that means not really committing myself to being around nad im sorry for that
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nano day 2 & 3 update
day 2
Total Word count: 1689; 1421 towards a fic, and 268 towards my main wip
Did a lot of handwriting so I wasn’t able to see exactly how much I wrote until I typed it up today (hence the late update)
day 3
Total Word count: 1603; 901 towards a fic, and 702 towards my main wip
I did two sprints towards my main wip and got ~350 words for both 20min sprints, im kinda proud of that ngl
I’m making steady progress and for the most part on track for that 50k which is kinda neat! (still not what I’m going for tho so i can’t let it get to my head lol)
but overall I’m feeling really good so far I’m excited to see what I accomplish tomorrow :D
#bet you all thought I gave up after day one huh#but no!! i was just too busy last night to give an update lol#‘you all’ being the three (3) people who know I’m doing Nano#the fic writing kinda dominated the past few days#Im hoping the oc brainrot will kick in at some point bc I really do want to prioritize that#‘i just need to get this fic out and then I’ll be good’ I say but then watch me say it again next week with another fic#it’s okay tho I’m not in a huge rush for cryptids wip#like i kinda should be if I’m aiming for 2025 but it’ll be okay#i don’t want that pressure at such an early stage#anyway I don’t expect to get a lot of writing done tomorrow bc we’re having Guests 😬#but i will try my best#my drawing will also be dropping SIGNIFICANTLY this month#i say as if it hasn’t already the past several months 💀#but Im not feeling that bad about it compared to before bc there’s no Events that are adding pressure to my creating#any time I do draw will be in my sketchbook. it’ll be a nice break from digital#i Can finally make some progress on those jojo spreads I’ve been dying to make#and by make progress I mean I’ll barely finish one lol#(i dont mean that negatively. I’ll be having fun the whole time I’m just making fun of how slow I am)#anyway#dahl does nano 23
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